“Jewish Weapons of Mass Destruction”

My dad sent me this; I don’t know who wrote it, but it’s pretty funny so I had to share. People always ask me what the quintessential “Jewish” foods are. Well, here ya go!

Jewish  Weapons of Mass Destruction

Latkes: A pancake-like  structure, not to be confused with anything a first-class health restaurant  would put out. In a latke the oil remains inside the pancake. It is  made with potatoes, onions, eggs and matzo meal. Latkes can be eaten with  applesauce but COULD also be used to comb your hair, shine your shoes or  lubricate your automobile. There is a rumor that in the time of the  Maccabees, they lit a latke by mistake and it burned for eight days. What  is certain is that you will have heartburn for the same amount of  time. It tastes GREAT but will stop your heart if the grease gets  cold.

Matzoh: Israel ‘s  punishment for escaping slavery. It consists of a simple mix of flour and  water – no eggs or flavor at all. When made especially well, it could  actually taste like a cardboard box recycled from the Tel Aviv city  dump. Its redeeming value is that it does fill you up and stays with you  for a long time–sometimes far too long–and you are advised to eat lots of  prunes with it. If the prunes do not work, try castor oil, or even gun  powder as a last resort before a surgeon has to mine it  out. 

Kasha Varnishkes: One  of the little-known “delicacies” that is even more difficult to pronounce  than it is to cook. It has nothing to do with varnish, but is basically a  mixture of buckwheat and bowtie noodles (not macaroni). Why bowties? Many  sages in the Old Testament discussed this and agreed that an ancient Jewish  mother must have decided, ‘Son, you can’t come to the table without a tie  or, G-d forbid, place your elbow on the table.” If Mamma said ‘bowties,’  you better believe that’s what the family used, even if they had to invent  them on the spot. 

Blintzes: Not to be  confused with the German war machine’s ‘blitzkrieg.’ Can you imagine the  Jerusalem Post in ’39 with huge headlines announcing: ‘Germans drop tons  of cheese and blueberry blintzes on Poland. Shortage of sour cream  expected’? Basically, this is the Jewish answer to Crepe Suzettes. They  are actually offered on the menu at the local International House of  Pancakes, but no one there knows what the hell they are. In ignorant  bliss, they often serve them frozen from the blintz factory. No modern woman  will take time to make them if she can find a grocery store selling frozen  ones (assuming she can find someone in that store who knows where they are  kept). 

Kishke: You know  from Scottish Haggis? Well, this it ain’t. Remember what I say if you should  go to the Highlands . You do not want to eat Haggis, no matter how much  Scotch you’ve downed. In the old days they would take an intestine and stuff  it to make kishke. Today we use parchment paper or plastic (made in  China). And what do you stuff it with? Carrots, celery, onions, flour and  spices. The skill is not to cook it alone, but to add it to the cholent (see  below) and let it simmer for 24 hours until there is no chance whatsoever  that there is any nutritional value left. The gravy can be purchased in  bulk at any southern Bisquitville drive-thru.

Kreplach: They sound  worse than they taste. There is a rabbinical debate on their origins. One  Rabbi claims they began when a Chinese fortune cookie fell into the chicken  soup. Another claims they started in an Italian restaurant, where the  owner yelled at the chef, ‘Disa pasta tastes like-a krep!’ Either way it can  be soft, hard, or soggy, and the amount of meat inside depends on whether it  is your mother or your mother-in-law who cooked it. Tastes best if made in a  Manhatten deli where they serve the soup by the  barrel-load.

Cholent: This  combination of noxious gases had been the secret weapon of Jews for  centuries.The unique combination of beans, barley, potatoes and bones or  meat is meant to stick to your ribs and anything else it comes into contact  with. Precursor of Superglue. At a fancy Mexican restaurant (kosher, of  course) I once heard this comment from a youngster who had just had his  first taste of Mexican refried beans: ‘What, they serve leftover cholent  here too?” A Jewish American Princess once came up with something  original for her guests (her first and probably last cooking attempt at the  age of 25). She made cholent burgers for Sunday night supper. The guests  never came back. The dogs ate the burgers but later threw up and had to be  taken by ambulance to the pet emergency room.

Gefilte Fish: A few years  ago, an Israeli politician had problems with the filter in his fish pond and  a few of his fish got rather stuck and mangled. His son (5 years old at  the time) looked at them and asked, “Is that why we call it ‘ge-filtered  fish?” Originally it was a carp stuffed with a minced fish and vegetable  mixture. Today it usually is comprised of small fish balls eaten with  horseradish (pronounced ‘chrain’ to rhyme with ‘insane,’ which you have to  be to inflict it on your innards) and is judged on its relative strength in  bringing tears to your eyes at 100 paces. The VERY NAME OF THIS DISH  FRIGHTENS FULLY GROWN AND SOPHISTICATED GENTILES and they actually run when  it is merely mentioned.. 

Bagels: How can we  finish without the quintessential Jewish defense weapon, the bagel? Like  most foods there are legends surrounding the bagel, although I don’t know  any other than it was first discovered when unsugared donuts accidentally  petrified. There have been persistent rumors that the inventors of the  bagel were the Norwegians who couldn’t get anyone to buy smoked  lox. Think about it: Can you picture yourself eating smoked salmon or  trout on white bread? Rye ? A cracker? Naaa! The Israel Defense Forces  research lab looked for something hard and almost indigestible which could  take the spread of cream cheese and which doesn’t take up too much room in  desert-maneuvers ration kits. And why the hole? The truth is that many  philosophers believe the hole is the essence and the dough is only there to  indicate where the hole is  placed! 



Hello! I’m Shaina – a Delray Beach, Florida resident, foodie, and lifestyle blogger. I love exploring South Florida and beyond, and sharing everything from my favorite restaurants, products and more with you! See more by following along on Instagram:  @takeabiteoutofboca

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